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I ask why, knowing that I can never get an answer.

On May 12, at 6:20 pm, a traffic stop turned into violence that had no redeeming qualities.  

The police finally stopped a car under our apartment and immediately a confrontation ensued.  What we heard was two pops that turned out to be gun shots that injured one of the officers.  We then heard a breif silence flowed by what sounded like 20 fire crackers being shot of all at once.  We heard a woman scream.  

I thought it was the beginning of the fireworks season on our street and got up to see what was happening.  I was confronted with a miriade of police cars below and a car that looked like it was in a war zone. There were bullet holes all over the car, and then I saw an African American man, slumped out of the front passenger door.  He appeared to be dead, given the blood, bullet holes and him not moving.  

Police were appearing out of thin air and they all had guns drawn.  We kept hearing "Show us your hands"  Then a heavily armed police officer order us into our apartment.  We went to the guest bedroom and looked out to be confronted with the dead body right below our window.  The shouts continued and we heard and saw the high velocity bean bag hit his body.

The incident continued and after a short period the police pulled the man out of the car and we could see the taser gun fall out and then his dead body.  The police checked his pulse to see if he was alive and then paramedics came and did the heart monitor test.  No one seemed to see if they could bring him back.

So for about 6 hours we saw the dead man laying on the side walk with the bullet holes.  We saw the inane news reports trying to get the most stupid interviews.  We both prayed for the dead man.

We have learned he had serious psychological issues and this was sad.  I was interviewed by the police, Black ministers and then was told to testify before the grand jury.

I  can only wonder how he got the gun and then realized our society has too many guns and it is wrong.

It will take time to understand the violence and realize there are no explanations.

Time to move on

I admit that I have not made SMYRC a high priority lately. 

MS has been a sly thief of energy and by the time Friday rolls around, I am beyond tired.  For those of you with MS, you will know and for those without MS, you are lucky and sometimes have a more exciting life. 

I have decided to move on from being a vollunteer at SMYRC..  Maybe moving to the new digs was unsettling and maybe I have turned my cooking gigs to something more important to me.  This year my love and I did 4 meals for people at the Goose Halllow Homeless Shelter.  The dishes are meant to feed at least 35 people or more.  Leftovers are used by the people for lunch the next day.

The gigs usually start on Friday with the purchacing of products and initial preperation.  On Saturday the serious cooking starts.  This is usually cooking the starch, protien and cake or crumble.  I am one of these kinds that take cooking seriously and feel the food we provide should be no less than what I cook at home. 

I guess the last straw was Friday's Open Mic event. This was the 100th anniversary of the Open Mic night.  A couple of weeks ago I got the email for volunteers for this event. I responded and said I would provide food.  Now when I do this, I assume the number of servings is around 100.  In the past I have done some serious cooking for them and said no big deal. 

So we went out and dropped about $150 buying ingredients.  Loaves of really good bread, cheeses, and meat from Sheridans here in Portland.  Made a huge pan of Humus and 2 trays of a brown rice vegan dish.  Now for 2 people with MS doing all the shopping and prep is not easy.  Fatigue is not fun.

As usual I was figuring that the coordinator really meant it when she said she needed food.  In the past Zan would tell me that it was a special Dance and I knew they needed food. 

Well last evening I came in with all of this food and was meeted with a ho hum attitude and saw piles of food.  I put down 3 grocery bags of awesome meats, bread, cheeses and chips.  I watched kids trip over the bags and no one even wondered what I had brought.  At that point I was hurt and really disgusted.  I mean I was at the point of just going over to the tables and grab the bags and leave.  My next destination would have been the Goose Hollow homless shelter or Portland Rescue Misszion.  I am sure I would have gotten a better response.  I should send SMYRC a invoice for the food.

I am upset because I didn't get info as to how much food was needed.  In the past if Zan sent the request, I knew what was going to be needed.  So I brought really good food and people just tripped over it.  I should have packed up the food an gone to the shelters.

Now I really felt out of place there.  A dear friend or a peson that I thought was a friend just treated me as if I was not there.  For me this is a game that I have played so many times before.  Kids I don't grovel or try to please anymore to get a response. 

So I will email the people at SMYRC that I am not a volunteer any more.  No more spag dinners, no more Prom catering no more of Kris. 

I will expand to feed people in real need.  Become more involved in homeless shelters and see if the Portland Rescue Mission could use a volunteer that can cook. 

So this is a good bye to SMYRC and someone that I really loved as a Friend.  For me this is tough, because I can identify with many of the issues the youth face.  I can easily say "been there.... done that" .  I have had great times talking with the youth and in the past felt a real bond with them.  I remember when I would get there and the first thing was "HI Kris" and then a line of them would go out to the car and help bring in the food.  Those were the times that I will hold dear and always remember the smiles. 


Where are you Buffy

Oh where is our fave vampire slayer??? 

The undead Cheney is trying to be relevant and I think he is gathering his minions (very very old vampires)  to make an assault on the bastions of American sensibilities.  I they may need to get some Fixadent first.

Cheney is out saying Obama is all wronng in not wanting to continue torture.  I am thinking prosecuting  this old vampire is going to be easy.  He has admitted on National TV that he ordered the torture.  Yet he is undaunted and is now saying that his minions must not become moderate.  I mean if you are going to suck the blood out of tthe economy, then do it with unbound efforts.

Oh well another intro to a econ rant.

Conservative Republicans are outraged with the prospect of a $1.5 trillion deficit this year.  Hmmmm did GEE Whiz give Obama this nasty dsituation? 

Obama is now including the wars in the Fed Budget.  These are the wars that Gee Whiz got us into.  Gee Whiz never included the wars into the budget.  What Congress got was bi annual emergency funding request for the ongoing wars.  I mean the first funding ok, but after that shouldn/t this be part of the budget?  Well if the wars were includeded, the deficit assumptions would be huge.  Oh what a joy to cook the books.  I think they hired a bunch of ENRON guys to run the finances.

The conservatives are still complaining about the STIM and Bank bailouts. 

First everyone hates to have us bail out banks when they were the ones that created the mess.  The big HOWEVER is reasons for bailing out the Banks.  In about 1928 -29 Herbert Hoover was faced with the same issue.  The stock market was beyond over valued and there were loans that were bad.  So Herbie had the choice....Bail out the banks or suffewr the consequenses.  Well ole Herbie did absolutely nothing.  What happen was th3e Great Depression.

The banks lost liquidity and closed.  The remaining banks were beyond risk adverse and stopped lending and this stopped the flow of money in the economy. 

Herbie was kicked out and FDR had to handle the mess.  Sound familiar.

So now we are facing the same issue.  The Dow was way overvalued and you had banks holding toxic assets that they created.  There are hedge funds that were betting on the curve and the assumption was that this would never end.  Well it did and banks were facing massive liquidity issues.  

Let's just assume that if there was not a bank bailout and continued support, the days of 1929 would be de ja vu' all over again.  We are still in a recession, primarily due to the colapse of the housing marked and banks lending grinding to a stop. 

What Obama is doing makes monerterists happy.  First he is stablizing the banking system.   Without this system we are screwed.  He then pumped massive money into the system, AKA the STIM.  He is trying to fix the broken health system and finally trying to end and fix the Gee Whiz wars.  Add to this a sensible look at the tax system and there is hope.

So kids this is my Saturday Econ rant.

What fun! Grrrrrr!!!

I am looking at a knee replacement on my left knee and possibly the right one also.  I hope I am given some very exotic pain meds for this.

They told me I have to start losing weight like now and when I drop say 30 - 40 lbs, I will ready for the surgery. 

On better news I am being interviewed for a position at my agency and it will be a promotion.  There 2 positions and I hope I get one of them.  The interview is going to be over an hour long.  OHHHH GAWWWWDDDDD I have to wear nice guy clothes. This is going to be hard to deal with.  I usually wear what is comfy  and it is not pure guy clothes.  I don't think wearing my fave earings would work either.

Such is life here in the fast lane. 

 Gun stores are saying people are buying piles of guns and bullets.  I have a hypothisis... 21% of Americans identify with the Rebublican Party.  Let us assume that the 21% are right wing bible thumping wacked out Christians.  So who do you think is stocking up on all those GUNSSSS?????

Your guess may be the same as mine. 

Unemployment rate is slowing down, which may mean the recession is going to bottom out some time this year.  The good news is most major supplier and manufacturing units are at very low levels.  This means with a rebound of the economy there will be a need to replenish inventories and this means JOBS. 

I am worried about having oil still in the $40 range.  As the world econmy grows there will be a higher demand for oil and this means that oil prices go up.  Oil may be the best lever to keep rampant economic growth moderated in the future.   

Mimicing Keith Oberman ......... And the WORST PERSONS in the WORLD are  ..... Drum Roll

Alan Greenspan
GW Bush
and Phil (let's just can all the regulations) Grahm.

The jury is still out on this new group,   I am more hopoeful with obama and his team  He has my economic hero on his side...Paul Volker!!!

Day one of Hell

I am sure this MS relaqse started about three weeks ago, but my doctorr has branded me as being a stuborn stoic person.  We really love Jill and I know he will do anything for her patients. 

So the trouble starded with creeping numbness in my left foot.  The right  leg has the worst MS symptoms. The leg that just had surgery would get that feeling where you feel that a band is being tighted on the knee.  The right foot feels tingly but dead.  Then the pain would romp in to the leg.  The knee felt ugly and the rest of the leg felt like it was being punched.  Finally I admitted to myself that the letter on CNN were not changing colors on their own.

Oh well there are no bruises on my nice legs.

So Friday was the day I got the nasty wake up call at work.  My face was feeling like I was getting novicain all over the lower lip, chin and streaking into new areas.   Then my balance was shot and fatigue was overwhelming.  This was the trigger point where I go from Stoic to being proactive.  I called my neuro and said this was a Solumedral relapse.  He wanted to make sure, and finally scheduled me for three days of infusions.  They last about an hour and you feel kind of crappy.  Solumedrol is industrial strength steroid and has fun side affects.

So today was day one of Hell, Kim is so wonderful and was there with me and has made everythng so nice.  I will have insomnia most of the night.  Sleep meds are like a squirt gun at a inferno. 

By tomarrow night, I may get to the fatigue point, where even the steroids will not keep me awake.  Oh well I will get dreams that could become a good sci fi story.

Today is the war within day.  My imune system is fighting against the steroids.  This means all the raging numbness is pushing very hard against the med.  The imune system wants to keep the inflamation going and the steroids is like a well trained fire brigade marching through a fire. 

The next week or so will be the tell tail period.  Did my crazed out imune system eat away enough to create another layer of numbness or pain?

So this is my Day one of Hell.

please excse spelling mistakes.  Letter are not all the same color and I just am too tired to care about spelling


I hate cleaning the bathroom!!!!

Ok this is it.... I am going to contact the people that cleaned my studio apartment.  We now live in a 2 bdrm apartment and the dust is ugly and the bathroom was looking pathetic. 

So I got out the toxic waste site chemicals and went after it.   Hmmm I wonder if all the years of using strong cleaning products help with me getting MS.  I think working in a paint factory during college didn't help. 

So the process was not fun.  Now I have 2 count them 2 bad Knees and the fatigue is not fun.  Kim is doing the floors and is attempting to dust. 

This job is so ugly that I ended up making a serious rum and coke.  I think it kind of reduces the MS pain.  I am now getting the feeling that someone is punching me in the leg.  There is an MS pain med called Nuerontin.   This works but I feel I have a raging storm in my tummy.  I don't take meds that are worse than the symptom. 

I am feeling better, given the 2.5 months of ugly crud.  I have a perscription for a great cough med and it should last me a long time.  I look at the pile of pills I take every morning and evening and wonder how my body deals with all this stuff.  I have a pill to keep me awake, and one for the MS insomnia, one for spasms, the daily injection, 2 for depression, 1 for anxiety, one to help me feel like a woman and one to keep the boy hormones under control.  Add the vitiamims and it is a handful. 

The injection is not so bad and I think it helps with the MS.

I also feel better about myself.  I get an awesome color and cut every 6 weeks and this is one luxury I will not give up.  I have wonderful hair products and great products for my face and body. 

I know that I look sooooo different than when I started this journey and this gives me a nice feeling. 

What is great is that I am finally able to push the abuse and all the garbage further and further away. 

I also am with Kim and she is my angel and best of best friends.

Politics, gender and thoughts

Well we have a great new President and I look forward to him being our leader.  I look at the economic situation and pray that Obama can lead America out of this mess. 

Do I usually support a stimulus package like the one being proposed, not really.  I am a monerterist and that means I am conservative in the realm of economics.  What I see now is that we have a recession that is very deep and there are signs that we could even have a moderate depression.  The indicators are there and this includes wholesale price decreases as well as retail price cuts.  On a sustained basis with a deep recession there are indications of a deep and long lasting recession or a depression. 

So this is a logical way of thinking and some people would say this is too male.  For me this is my calling in life.  The understanding of economic forces and the ability to connect the dots.  Does this mean I am procluded from my female side????  No that is toooo sexist.  Why can't I have the emotions and feeling that course through me as does the estrogen that I take everyday? 

I know that if I was to abandon all the male in me would be wrong, because that is as important as the female in me.  I love the feeling of security and contentment.  I also love watching  a football game or a Mariners baseball game.  I love watching people on the beach and taking pictures of a dad with his daughter or a mother giving loving care to a child.  I see children playing and marvel at the innocence of their fun.

I then remember my childhood and realize the only times of safety were when my oldest brother and I played basketball until we could it was way too dark.  The other times were dark with sexual, psychological and physical abuse.  I often think there was about 8 years of hell and wonder why I can see beauty in life.  I guess the courage to stay in therapy and finding an angel is my answer.

So is there a publised manual for being male or female.... probably not.  Rather for those of us that find our brains say the opposite of the body there is confusion.  For me, I have realized that a balance between the male and female is key.  I savor the knowledge that I can let the female be the gentle guiding factor.  I also know that there is a powerful cognotive side.  This is the side that allowed me to survive the hell years.  I had to let the scientific and mathmatical abilities to dampen the outrage and self hate.  This was good because I know that I could have easily slipped downward. 

So for me the ability to feel emotions, play and enjoy being silly is a huge advancement.  To have friends is something I crave.  The problem is trust.  I was told that I could be put in a room of people that had been sexually abused and we would all say the same things.  Go figure. 

So for me the finding of my female is a luxury.  I now can feel good about the skin I live in.  I don't hate looking at my reflection.  I realize that I don't have to live at extremes where self destruction is not considered.  I realize that I was one of the first extreme ski fanatics.  I did not care if I did not survive.  I used to ski in areas where the snow would move just as fast as I was skiing. 

Now I think if I was to ski, I would want to feel the artistic side of me.  I would want to just feel the movement and enjoy all of the sensations. 

So am I a male, female or a person that has realized that just being me is an accomplishment.  I just know that finally finding a balance is really peaceful.



Finally feeling better

This last month was not fun.  

First there was the knee surgery and the recovery.  I was finally feeling that I was on the up swing and walking was not hurting so much.  
Well then I got hit with an acute urinary tract infection.  I ended up in the ER thinking it was a nasty kidney stone.  Well it was almost as bad.  I guess the infection was spreading and heading for the kidneys.  So they gave me the anti biotic IV and now I am on Cipro.  For about 3 days I felt horrid.  I felt all the elements of the infection.  

I sometimes wonder if I can take any more medical issues.  The good news is my MS is not hitting hard and I hope it will just stay on the back burner.  I have tried to take this all into perspective however I just wonder why me ..... why do I have to deal with the crazy issues.  

Kim hopefully will be here in the first couple weeks of September.  The house issue still sucks and hopefully the attorney will get things moving.  So I will fly out there right before the big move happens and then drive her care across the USA.  

I am so tired and going to bed.


Update on the knee

I am walking better and the pain is declining.  Yippeee no more Vicodin.  

I have to be careful and not push it to much in the walking.  If I do this I end up getting really fatigued, hot and the pain ramps up,  MS does not like surgery and this is evident with the fatich and getting really hot.  

Very tired and need to get some sleep.  

Rosie (kitty) has been so affectionate and I think she senses I am having pain.  When it was really bad, she would climb over me and just flop next to me and want pets.  She stays there until I finally went to sleep.  She then climbed over me and went to sleep on this fleece jacket that she stole from me.  Even then she curled up so she could be be right next to my head.  Yes I spoil this cat and she deserves it everyday.  

Kim and I figuer that she will move out here mid September with the cats.....this should be very interesting!!!!!

A close friend of Kim's is so distraught.  Her dad is dying of cancer and had to be rushed to the hospital due to a blood clot.  The doctors are not positive and he has smoke all his life and refuses to quit.  I am so glad I quit cold turkey in college.  

I need to see a Physical Therapist and get a brace for my right knee.  The damage was rather nasty and the brace should help.

oh well need to take my cocktail of MS meds... especially the wonderful sleep med.


Surgery on my right knee was Tuesday and it went well... That is I came out of it and I can walk with less and less pain.

Wed. was hell on earth though.  My knee was in so much pain that I had to take more Vicotin than usual.  I was supposed to keep my knee elevated but at about 2 am I just kicked them off the bed.  Keeping my leg elevated was causing too much pain.

So I had the post op meeting today and the news was not exactly good.  The surgeon told me that I have arthritus on the knee, and the tear to the miniscus cartilage was severe.  So I have to get a brace to help me during my long strengthing process.  Yes I get to go and get physical therapy and I am not looking forward to this.  

I have to work the PT into the needs of my MS and hopefuly I will start cycling soon.  

A very good friend of mine who is stationed in Iraq is sending me one of his road bikes.  He was one of the soldiers that rode in the Iraq MS 150 and he is working to set up another ride.

The Vicotin has done ugly things to my smell and taste.  Everything I taste or smell is exagerated and it is not nice.  Oh well I think I will be off this after tonight.  I am walking better and the pain has subsided.

Kim has been having a rought time in WV.  The house is falling apart and hopefully the attorney that is representing Kim and the other two people will get a lawsuit in place and she will be able to move here very soon.  

Oh well I will be working on getting this apartment cleaned and things put into place.