Well we have a great new President and I look forward to him being our leader. I look at the economic situation and pray that Obama can lead America out of this mess.
Do I usually support a stimulus package like the one being proposed, not really. I am a monerterist and that means I am conservative in the realm of economics. What I see now is that we have a recession that is very deep and there are signs that we could even have a moderate depression. The indicators are there and this includes wholesale price decreases as well as retail price cuts. On a sustained basis with a deep recession there are indications of a deep and long lasting recession or a depression.
So this is a logical way of thinking and some people would say this is too male. For me this is my calling in life. The understanding of economic forces and the ability to connect the dots. Does this mean I am procluded from my female side???? No that is toooo sexist. Why can't I have the emotions and feeling that course through me as does the estrogen that I take everyday?
I know that if I was to abandon all the male in me would be wrong, because that is as important as the female in me. I love the feeling of security and contentment. I also love watching a football game or a Mariners baseball game. I love watching people on the beach and taking pictures of a dad with his daughter or a mother giving loving care to a child. I see children playing and marvel at the innocence of their fun.
I then remember my childhood and realize the only times of safety were when my oldest brother and I played basketball until we could it was way too dark. The other times were dark with sexual, psychological and physical abuse. I often think there was about 8 years of hell and wonder why I can see beauty in life. I guess the courage to stay in therapy and finding an angel is my answer.
So is there a publised manual for being male or female.... probably not. Rather for those of us that find our brains say the opposite of the body there is confusion. For me, I have realized that a balance between the male and female is key. I savor the knowledge that I can let the female be the gentle guiding factor. I also know that there is a powerful cognotive side. This is the side that allowed me to survive the hell years. I had to let the scientific and mathmatical abilities to dampen the outrage and self hate. This was good because I know that I could have easily slipped downward.
So for me the ability to feel emotions, play and enjoy being silly is a huge advancement. To have friends is something I crave. The problem is trust. I was told that I could be put in a room of people that had been sexually abused and we would all say the same things. Go figure.
So for me the finding of my female is a luxury. I now can feel good about the skin I live in. I don't hate looking at my reflection. I realize that I don't have to live at extremes where self destruction is not considered. I realize that I was one of the first extreme ski fanatics. I did not care if I did not survive. I used to ski in areas where the snow would move just as fast as I was skiing.
Now I think if I was to ski, I would want to feel the artistic side of me. I would want to just feel the movement and enjoy all of the sensations.
So am I a male, female or a person that has realized that just being me is an accomplishment. I just know that finally finding a balance is really peaceful.
- Current Mood: contemplative